Monday, 17 December 2012


I need to state quite frankly beforehand that none of the following should be taken seriously. It is a satirical joke, making fun of the stress and apprehension that students experience before finding out their ATAR. To read my real opinion on the subject, read my previous entry.

To my fellow students who will find out what their ATAR is this morning:

Get up at an unrealistic hour and check your phone, the internet, or the newspaper to find out what this incredibly important and life-changing rank is, for it will define how you live your life forever.

Not only is this rank an accurate representation of your intellectual ability, but your ability to achieve anything worthwhile at all.

As soon as you know, tell your entire extended family so that they may decide how to treat you in the future. It may be a good idea to have your bags already packed in case they decide to disown you.

Next, you need to tell your friends. You need to let them know if you are a worthwhile person to spend time with, and your ATAR is a good way to determine what sort of person you are.

Don't forget that from now on, your ATAR should always be the first thing you mention when you introduce yourself to anyone. Being an accurate representation of your moral character and your personality, it is important that people can gauge whether or not you are a good person before they start conversing with you.

For this very reason, you should not date anyone without first knowing their ATAR; it is most important aspect of a person's life and will determine what kind of a spouse they will be.

You will also need to create a sign with your ATAR and keep it attached to your person in a visible place at all times so that all of society knows exactly what kind of a person you are. It is important to alert people to keep their distance if your rank is an undesirable one.

Also; keep the rank written on the front of your house somewhere visible and obvious, as well as on the front and back windscreens of your car so that people in your neighbourhood and people on the road know what to expect before they interact with you.

Of course it makes only a slight difference now that neighbourhoods and roads are segregated based on ATARs, which brings me to my final point:

Once you know the rank that will forever define you, quit your job, sell your car, and move to a new neighbourhood if they do not currently suit your ATAR.

I cannot stress how important this document is. Your ATAR is the centre of your life from now on, and the very description of who you are.

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